nataliebukovsky

Do i feel better knowing my ex misses me, even though i'm in another relationship and i'm very happy in it... i really don't understand myself at all!!

The last time i stayed up ALL NIGHT it was most likely a sleepover with my two best friends, and we were probably up talking about nothing. haha. but besides that it was probably because of anxiety therefore i was writing, reading, or doing something constructive.

So i've been mostly following my diet guidelines i posted earlier in the week and surprise i've actually gained weight!!

todays weight: 170.2 lbs

So i'm going to be pretty busy over the summer with project for school and whatnot but i also have another goal that i'm working toward. Lose 30 lbs by the end of summer. 10lbs a month. Not bad. Here's how i plan to do this:

1. Exercise everyday (whether it be crunches & pushups, gym, or running)
2. Eat Healthier (Try not to eat fast food, more fruits and salads, more tea's and juices and not soda!)
3. Feel better about myself (Happier people tend to weigh less, its a fact :) )

well see how this works out.

Todays Weight: 168.6 lbs.

Everyone looking to lose weight or just be healthy should join:   healthystart

Any setting is prone to making me nervous or anxious. It just depends on my state of mind on the setting or recent events of my life. It also could depend on my state of mind entirely. So for this answer it would be too generic to post any normal spooky thing. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, nervousness is in the state of the mind.

Haha so i'm the worst with writing during the school year. my life is busy busy busy busy from aug-may, but now i should have more time to actually write on here. From not having much time to write on here to relieve stress and anxiety through exercise, which i do on a regular basis anyway. I may get back into my creative writing streak, i'm not exactly sure where to begin with it at the moment. I'm looking for inspiration.

So pretty much summer has just started for me and i'm just trying to unwind from school and relax and do some fun reading. Right now i'm halfway through Kite Runner, which i would highly recommend to anyone!!

Thats about it for now.
i'll write more later :)

So its been six months since I've last written! I honestly cant believe that its been that long. Life's just been so busy i haven't had a minuet to just sit and type, and honestly i dont even that this moment, i just feel the need to maybe write again. So much has happened since the last time i've written. I've just been living a busy busy life between working cheerleading, school, somewhat friends and my boyfriend. The new year so far has been well and now i'm just feeling the need to write again. As of this moment i dont exactly have too much to say, but i do have tonns of homework to get too. But i just wanted to let whoever maybe will still look at this that i'm not done writing.

about life in general. Does life always work out the way its supposed too? My sanity has been centered around that fact that, "everything will end up ok, no matter what". But lately that thought, that rock of my life has been shifting, because not everything is working out. Everything is so confusing and I never know what is right, and what choices I should be making. People are constantly telling us that we need to make the right decisions/choices. So why is it never easy to tell what those choices are. I have no clue about life anymore.

Why can't things just be black&white and not be so gray.

I don't know. I'm done ranting.

I just felt like posting something creative for once so that this journal doenst just have boring information about my life.

Below is the intial bases for my story. btw i wrote this in the writing community  

Later i might edit the first story and mix in this, that i also wrote in a writing community,


When i get some quality free time, instead of just a few minuets here and there, i will fully murge these two ideas. Well if you read them, feel free to comment and let me know what you think. :) The writing community i mentioned earlier is linebyline and they're great. Add them if your interested in creative writing.

 Hmm.. i'm not sure many people now days could handle that much responsibility even a short period of time, such as a day. If this could truely happen, heck! even if we knew there was truely a god, people would probably turn this world into a ruckess of rediculousness.

As for myself, at the very top of my very long to-do list would be to make everyone equal. This equality would round off, where everyone would be able to get what was wanted, without being over extravigant of course. That in itself would take care of almost all the worlds problems, because in society problems always arise with inequality. Think about it.. if it wasn't for inequality would we have war? If everyone had everything that everyone else had, there would be no reason for conflict. Peace would mostly likely succed this change.

Next, would be to bring back people who died too young or for the wrong reasons. Well at least the people who have died in the last half-centruy. People who were murdered, or just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Babie that died becasue of disease or because of neglect. All these would be brought back into the world, and the murderers and neglectful parents would be gone in their place. This would be souley for my happiness because nothing bothers me more than someone dieing not due to natural causes, and even more when it was do to someone elses selfishness.

Last on my large to-do list would be to remove anything harmful and unessesary from the world. First would be drugs/alcohol/tobacco. This way the human race could be free and not polluted by those who lack self-control and sufffer from addictive personalities. By doing this the general population of the world would be helped in leading fuller healthier lives.

These were just some thoughts and ideals i sometimes dream about.

I havent been using this part of my journal. I've been pretty much just posting for linebyline, and yourspirals writing communities, because i discovered that being creative is the best anxiety releaver of anything. Yes sometimes i feel the need to rant, i'll do something in this, but i wouldnt be surprised if there isnt much writing in here, mostly because i have nothing to say. & i dont have that much time anymore now that i have a job, and cheerleading starting this monday. But i'm hitting the hay, goodnight <3

So i started my Job yesterday! & it was pretty amazing I have work tomorriw too! I can't wait. haha actually i cant wait to start making $$. but the people are really nice and i enjoy working there. 

I wanna see him so badddd^^ :D <33
 

 i just got rejected by a writing community.. i was really kinda hopein to join and do better in my writing, but i have a very "childhood" writing style. I guess i just have to work harder at it..? I kinda thought i was decent, but i guess not, at least in the creative aspect. Although i didnt send my BEST samples. Maybe when i create or collect some of my best i'll send it back. so right now i'm bummed...  it sucks.

   This is what i wore for my job interview today! & i'm really excited to say that it went really well, and that they said they'd call me by the end of this week beginning of next?! i'm hoping and praying on this job. It will be one more responsiblity, but it will make me feel like i'm doing something worth my time. Something that GIVES me money intsead of sucking it away!! I'm just being really cautious about this excitement, because the worst thing at the moment would be, to be let down. That would ruin all the progress ive made. Well this is all i have to report on for now. Maybe more later. <3

LinebyLine I think is possibly one of the best things ever! I absolutely love it. All of this is really helping my anxieties and i couldnt be more thankful. Life is starting to finally make sense. I've been finding really great music, been able to express my creativity, things have been getting better with my ex, and yesterday i got a call for a job interview! The interview is tomorrow and i'm absolutely excited. For once NOT ANXIOUS! Things like this usually trigger my anxieties in the worst possible way. & right now i feel nothing but empowered and excited for this interview and hopefully getting a job like i've been wanting for a realllly long time. As for the ex, we have been getting along so much better and maybe i'm considering a relationship with him again? Who know's.. He deserves me more than anyone else, because he's been here through all of my downs and more ups than i can count, and still loves me exactly the way i am. He is prettyyy much the definition of perfect for me.

Tonite i'm going to the gym and get my endorphins going, and tire myself out so i can fall asleep fast tonite so i dont end up staying all night thinking about the interview tomorrow morning. Life is going pretty good at the moment and i hope it will stay that wayyy :) I may write more later, but this is all for now. <3

 

I hope it isn't quite annoying that i post everday, because it may seem as if i'm bitching and moaning about things.. i dont try to honestly, its just i have sooooo much stress in my life and this is how i can release it, so if it gets on anyones nerves i'm sorry about that.

So today, eh same family shit. I cannot wait till i move out. I seriously hate every moment i'm here, and i think everyday.. [only 2 more years left]. Than i can leave all of this behind and never come back if i dont want too. Maybe thats what my family is afraid off, that once i leave i'll be gone forever. They sure as hell act like it, keeping my every move under servalence like i'm a criminal. Who knows but they're nothing but bullshit.

Anyways, bright side of today. I got to watch a movie with chris in my livingroom, with no interruptions. Than i got on here and found this really cool community called "linebyline" where the creator of the community posts like a line, phrase or something of that nature, and than we as the users of the community get to create some piece of writing using that line in the piece. It seems really uniqure, and something that i can use to just space out and leave the world behind. I do love writing, highschool ruined that, but maybe this will help reignight my skills and passions. The topic they have now seems difficult and nothing comes to mind at the moment, but i'm just waiting for the next one so i can use my creativity. Cant wait!

On another good note, cheerleading orientation is next friday! I get to meet all of my little girls again. I'm so excited :) && I'm suppossed to be getting a call about a job that i might be getting sometime this upcomming week. With a job, i'll have something to do all day &+ it'll get me out of this freaking house and away from my family for a few hours while making $$. Whats not to like. It'll help give me purpose and maybe i'll stop feeling so useless all the time. Well thats all for today. goodnight <3

 

Today, i woke up tired and lattte for cheercamp where i got to finally meet my new little cheerleaders for this season. Someting about doing this instructing this feels like without it i wouldn't be whole. I was deffinatly made to do this. 3 years of doing this and i feel like i haven't even began. Teaching these young girls cheerleading, as low rate as that may sound to someone else, makes my world bright! Seeing their cute little faces just brightens my day and i love every little second of it! :) Although that was the "highlight" of my day, hey at least there was a highlight for once...

Then comming home, it was all ruined by a confrentaton with my step-dad and mom. They're just stupid, plain out stupid, i talk simple english, and they act like its a complex equation they cannot solve. They just speak jerbish until they think they answer my question and they're COMPLETELY off on wtf i'm talking about and its just like dont talk if you dont know what your saying or answering. I absolutly cannot stand ignorance. Especially the kind that can be helped by maybe, listening to me for once in a while, instead of just ignorning me when i speak becausse everything else is too damn importaint. I feel like i'm the lowest priotity of my family and i dont matter until i screw up. I only feel like this because they dont ever pay attention to anything i say, or anything i need. 

One of the reasons i'm doing this on here because they wont give enough time out of their busy schedual to sit here and listen to me. I'm obviously not that importaint. & that is prime example of why i get left behind, and why everytime i need someting my mom always forgets about it. Because i'm not a big enough priority on her mind. Rediculous. I guess its just because i'm too independet and i stay out of trouble? But does that give her right to not care at all? To not still be my parental guidence everyday, and not just be the wrath when i mess up? Since they dont pay attention enough they never know wether i need/deserve a punishment or ya know just a supportive talk? Did it ever occur to them that i dont mess up purpously? Becasue that's obviously what they think of me, that i do that for attention and not for just pure human faults? 

Its pretty much pointless thinking and wasting my strengh and energy thinking about this because it will never change. So becides being excited for the upcomming cheer season, life's pretty much dull/boaring as usual. I guess since i cant think of anything else, i have nothing else for the night. Goodnight <3

 
So this ^ is a symbol of something that i'd really like in my life.. although i know that is never going to happen. 

I wokeup today feeling refresed, feeling new because writing in this journal thing really helpedmy anxiety. I actaully could fall asleep peacefully and not toss and turn all night long. All of the progress i just made was ruined completely. I found out something deeply disturbing about someone in my family. A little girls innocence ruined by someone in her own family?! & of course the one who ruined it had to be in direct relations to myself.  The thought of it just makes me sick to my stomach almost on the verge of purging. But the fact of the matter is, if someone directly related to me is sick and preverted enough to steal a little girls innocence away, what does that make of me? Who am i because i'm related to someone like that? Who am i because i didnt stop the madness going on in my own house! Just typing this is makeing me naushous, as she's laying here next me sleeping. This isnt something i needed on top of eveyrhting i've already mentioned. This is really all i'm sure i can say about this because i'm not sure how much i'm able to say about the situation, b/c i'm not sure how my family would feel about me letting the "world" know about our deep and personal family issues, so i guess this means moveing on to something else.

I started my summer reading today! I got a big chunk of it done surprisingly. This made me feel goood, because i feel like i've done something productive and i'm not a total waste of flesh. I started to feel like my world had hope, that i woulnt always be so sad. Just as i was feeling empowered and happy, obviously i recived the dreded news. So that pretty much ruined my day, except for takeing that little girl to the movies and hanging out with her. Keeping careful watch that the sick predetor that lives within the confines of my house would not get reach of her... i dont know why, but i feel like no one in my house acts as if this has even happened. He never got any repremand, not any punisment. I understand that people may not know how to handle situations like this, but does that make it right? Does that me he gets go get of "scoot free"? What does that teach him.. nothing! He's done it twice, what makes them think that he wont do it agian??  I just dont undertand my family. I cant wait to get away from my crazy family. I feel like i'm the only one who is semi-normal..

I'm not sure what else i have to say, because there really is nothing i can say more about. Becides i should be getting to bed because i have to wakeup early for cheerleading. God knows how much i need cheerleading right now, because at this moment, this journal and cheerleading is the only release of stresses and anxitety. So i'm going to turn off this laptop and get my behind into bed. Goodnight <3

It may seem odd to people that I myself would be someone to have one of these.. but the reason i'm doing this is becasue i'm hopeing that releasing my stress down onto paper will help me with my anxiety and panic attacks. The stress in my life is so great that sometimes i wonder if life is even worth it at all. Does that make me "suicidal"? I've never actaully thought about killing myself, just that maybe no longer being in the life i'm living will give me peace. I'm not really sure where to begin with this, so i'll just being back when this crazy downward spiral began.

Everything began when my mother and father separated when i was 5 years old. You may not realize it but yes it is possible to remember that far back.. anyway my life was playing all day with my mommy and than rushing up to my daddy as soon as he walked through the door. Sounds pretty damn perfect huh? Well one day i awoke to my mother and father screaming at eachother in the middle of the night, and as i squezzed my teddybear tight i tried to drown out the abusive things that i heard. I found myself spacing into a tranquil place where this fighting had not happened. These incidents happend reqularly over time, and became more frequent. Then i started realizeing that my mommy had bruises on her arms like she had been beaten. Of course i didnt know that at the time, but i have now learned that i never exactly heard the physical abuse taking place, it happened more times than i even knew about at that age. Until this night no fights ever occured under my direct supervision, until my father came home drunk and intoxicated. He began screaming "i hate this fucking house, i'mjust gonna burn it down, burn every fucking thing". HIs exact words. One more beating and my mother showed up to pick me and my baby brother up from daycare with her Cougar filled to the brim with out clothes and we went to my grandmothers house. She's finally had enough.... I was 6 at the time.

The next 2 years were filled with hurtful missed visits from dad. Unanswered phone calls. Pretty much the only time i saw him those two years was on christmas and my birthday. My mother would beg him to come vist me if nothing else, because i'd cry everynite because i missed him dearly. He'd call say he was comming and never show. I'd be waiting on my deck for hours waiting, while my mom desperatly tried reaching him on the phone. Come to find out now, he was probably snuffing cocaine or too drunk to remember... Then one day i come home from school, and my mother is crying more than i have ever, even to this day, have seen her cry. She sat me down on her bed and looked me square in the eyes and said, "Honey, Daddy died". It seemed like the world ended right there. My father was my hero, even though he never showed, never cared, never did anything for me.. but still i loved him more than i think i could ever love my mother. I was 8. At the age of 10 i finally found out that he commited suicide. Suffocation by CO2 gas, a plastic black bag, and ducktape. Even if he would have been found in time to stop him, he had already ODed on Cocaine and was feeling the effects of alcohol poisoning. Isnt that something for a 10 year old to bear.

After the death of my father i put everything into school work. It was my outlet to get away from the money troubles at home due to my fathers debt, and greiving his sudden death. I guess he was the reason i am who i am as far as education wise today. As my family became comfortable with the A's and perfect report cards, i find myself no longer doing it for my own satisfation. I'm doing it for my mother. I feel as though nothing i ever do is good enough for her, and so i have to be THE BEST at everything to keep my head above water with her. One single falter in my grades, and the world has ended. This year, this past semester i recieved one B on my report card in GT PreCalc. Showing my mother my report card was one of the most hurtful moments in my life, because looking at the dissapointment in her face said everything, as she casually handed it back to me, took a deep breath and exhaled saying, "hey hon at least you tried your best right?", and went back to her usual business. That moment sent me over the edge. 

Lately i've spent everynight crying, thinking aobut the upcomming year and wondering how am i suppossed to handle everything?! How can i handle a job, 3 AP Classes, Cheerleading, and school sports, that is while maintaining my embarassing 3.9 GPA, and a decent standard at work and on the team for schoool. I mean cheerleading isnt very demanding, its just when you need to be doing a project or studying or reading how can you possible waste like 3 hours 3 nights a week teaching 3-5 yr olds cheerleading. And whats sad, is thats the only part of my day that i actaully love. I lovvveee cheerleading, so i wouldnt give it up for anything, although it seems as though i'm going to have too...

Well this hit just the tip of the iceburg of my stresses, but it pretty much gives you a background so you can better understand me as you read my entries. Hopefully this wasnt too painfully long. And for those of you who did read the whole thing, thank you so much! i beleve this is enough for the night. Goodnight everyone <3